Ok...so when I started this blog I was feeling pretty sad about everything that was going on around me. I won't go over all of that again, but for those of you who don't know, you can always read my early posts if you want to.
Now I'm feeling pretty good.
It was always the plan to try and get better, but it seemed like a loooonnnnng dark tunnel. Ok things aren't 100% and are still fairly volatile, so I don't mean to count my chickens before they're hatched, but things are starting to look better and I just wanted to acknowledge that.
So I've had my first two days at my new job. Wow! It's so posh there!! So far my life's been more GTA than AGM, and I kind of thought that's how things were...but seriously, work is like the set for some futuristic movie. Seriously you should see what the gents are like...and computers with 2 screens. I have a desk and an email address and everything, and no one's threatened me with violence if I don't do my job properly, haha. They've even given me a pension. Again, I don't want to be premature here, it's only been two days, but so far so good.
OK, I'm not knocking my old jobs...they were exciting (and admittedly they did give me a lot more money than I make here), but I didn't have my own desk surrounded by pretty girls. I can work here from 9 to 5 and then just go home and relax...ahh...the quiet life
Right now I feel like a lucky guy!
Oh and I got my personal best for a 5k race last Tuesday, 21:37 and it was a really tough course too (lots of hills). Woo!
Ok, I'm going to go shower.
AND!!!...One more thing. Last night I went out and I had the self control to stick to soft drinks (all night) and say bye to everyone at 11pm. Since I drank a fair bit on Friday and stayed up until about 3:30, I thought it prudent to be sensible. I didn’t feel like it, but I’m glad I did
Things with me are ok. I'm due to start my new tomorrow (hooray) although they were meant to get back to me when they received my acceptance and my references were cleared. I checked with the referencing company and it's all fine there but I couldn't get any answer from my HR lady. This morning I was concerned so I rang the main HR people who said they'd call me back. that was five hours ago. Hmm.
I was going to cheer myself up by writing my I think I'm great, but I can't think of any right now! Now I'm even more depressed than I am when I started...ok here's one.
I was once one of the best people in the country at my sport (Tae Kwon Do), or in my category anyway. I was pretty good at boxing too.
Umm...
I went to when I used to work the other day and my manager gave me a hug and told me how much he missed me.
So that's two.
Ok - I once beat up the school bully! Although I don't really know if hitting someone makes me a great guy
(Although he did a lot less bullying from the on!)
Three down, two to go.
A friend of mine told me she loved me last night, and she's pretty great. So I guess that means I must be ok too
I always try to be kind to people and animals and the planet - I guess that's pretty good too.
I expected that I'd just be able to reel off five really nice things that I've done for people in my life - but now I feel that I haven't really done much. I always do little things, but then again, maybe that's enough?
Anyway, happy Monday, a brand new week - yay!!
Haha, I can't ever rememebr what the song is that I attached to this blog, I suppose it'll be a nice surprise when I look at it again!
One
Word.
You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
Not as easy as you might think*. Remember: one word answers.
Where is your mobile phone? Desk
Your significant other? Right-hand
Your hair? Short
Your mother? Kind
Your father? Good
Your favourite thing? Curry
Your dream last night? Unsure
Your favorite drink? Water
Your dream/goal? Survival
The room you're in? Untidy
Your ex? Different
Your fear? Myself
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Don't-Care
Where were you last night? Bristol
What you're not? Homosexual
One of your wish list items? Sonic-Screwdriver
Where you grew up? Clean
The last thing you did? Ate
What are you wearing? Tracky
Your TV? Smart
Your pets? Dog
Your computer? Clicking
Your life? Interesting
Your mood? Fustrated
Missing someone? Usually
Your car? Shiny
Something you're not wearing? Thong
Favourite Store? M&S
Your summer? Summer-of-Dan
Like someone? Everyone!
Your favourite colour? Blue
Last time you laughed? Yesterday
Last time you cried? March
Nooo! I keep changing my mind about which song I want to post!!
Bear with me.
(Some time elapses)
Hehe, ok, after about 20 mins of indecision I've decided to go for one I know everyone will love
I don't really know what to write about, today, but I haven't really posted much in awhile, so thought I would. You know how it is when I get going...
Ok, well I should start by mentioning the C.S. thing and what happened when I was reported. Firstly thanks to you guys for all of your moral support. I had a brief trade of emails with him which resulted in him "sincerely apologising", which was all I really wanted from the beginning, but there you go. So I said I'd take the post down voluntarily. Blog.co.uk said I could leave it up there, but just omit the name, which would kinda defeat the point of the post, but I'm happier now he's said sorry. I still don't agree with him or the sites he hosts, and think he's being pretty irresponsible, but what more can I do? I just hope this has maybe made him think a bit.
I'm in a bit of a bad mood today. I have been on and off for a few days now. I think last night got me down. I went to group feeling happy because I've had a good week and was looking forward to telling everyone. Unfortunately there's a lot of upset about at the moment and hearing the stories saddened and scared me. Before that I was a bit grumpy, although I'm not sure why. Events of the past year catching up on me probably. Also having no money gets you down. Not in a greedy way, but just in, I'm trapped!! Way. I have a job interview on Friday though, so wish me luck
IT feels like I go from one day to the next achieving absolutely nothing. This place is such a mess and I really need to tidy it. I should be doing that now rather than writing this, but as soon as I start I get all hot and bothered so usually end up throwing my clothes off, then the door bell goes and I run downstairs and it'll be a bloody salesman who doesn't understand no and I'll be standing there chatting to him/her in my pants then well...I don't know, just Gurrr!!! Right now I need someone to give me a cuddle and be really sympathetic, then I need to get a good nights sleep then I need to get up and have a free day so that I can get on, but unfortunately none of those things are possible.
Listen to me, I make myself sick with all of this moaning and complaining. Got time to write my blog but not to sort out my paperwork!! Loser!
Where was I, ah yes. Tonight I'm going running, but I'll see my dad there. Which is nice in one way, but I always feel awkward around him, then I'll get home and feel awkward around mum and mum will get upset because I'm being quiet. Then I won't be able to sleep, then tomorrow I have an appointment at about 9am, then I have to do work for the writing club, then at 6:30 I've got to drive a whole bunch of them down to Somerset, but I really can't afford the petrol, so I'll have to not go out this weekend...and, ah shut up.
And now I'm annoying myself even more because I'm just complaining and doing nothing about it. And what else really annoys me is I can't spell very well and this has no spell checker!!!
OMG I just wrote so much more and lost it all because it logged me out
I was saying how my generation of cousins in my family has lots of grandparents in already and I don't even have kids...that kind of thing. But I'm a little too something to type it all again. If it doesn't save it propperly this time the computer is going out the top floor window (with me holding onto it). Oh yeah, did anyone see that hidden cost of immigration thing - when they came to Liverpool, Brixton and Bristol, well that's about half a mile from me, yay! Telly! I thought they made it out to be much better than it actually was though saying it was all green and stuff, sure it is, but it's also one of the poorest estates in the city and then they made it out to be bad by saying about those foreigners being attacked, well that was pretty isolated incidents. I mean, that made the local news, people stabbing asylum seekers isn't like a daily thing. Although even once is pretty bad and once too many tbh!!
Anyway, I'm going to try and cheer up by smiling and eating chocolate then I MIGHT tidy up.
Got out four weeks ago. Fresh air tastes so much better when you ain’t breathing it from behind bars. Over crowding, they said. Knocked a couple of months off my five-stretch. Result! Fed up of the fucking do-gooders. Coming in to chat to you about fucking personal problems. What the fuck do they know? Were they perved up as a kid? Did they grow up surrounded by fucking criminals and drug addicts? I needed the help then. Not to be locked away. Locked away with all of these junkie scum. Then the fucking wankers come in to ‘talk about my childhood’. Try talking about my fucking childhood before the sentence was passed. Try talking about my childhood when I was a kid. Bunch of fucking pricks.
Only two ways to drag yourself out of the mess of my past. Career criminal being my first choice. I failed at that spectacularly, just like I fuck up everything. Pissed away the best part of my twenties inside that fucking rotten hole.
Time to go for box number two. Drum roll if you please, maestro. Get an education.
Yeah, fuck me.
Education?
Yes I got a fucking education. It was easy as well. Just the clock the bars and the books this time round. Not like school. Not like spending every waking minute of every single miserable fucking day wondering what carnage I’d walk home to at half three. Oh no. Just the cell. Starched sheets and a first class view of the recreation yard.
I went for maths. Nice, simple, clean, unmolested numbers. One. Two. Three. Not like all that sociology and psychology bollocks they teach. Was it because your daddy hit you…or are you just a tosser?
So I’ve got a masters degree, no less.
Walk into a job on the out I thought. First class. I did a crime, but I done the time. Paid my debt. Now I want something fresh. Something clean. Something better.
Five weeks. Five fucking weeks and not even an interview. I’m stood outside the Job Centre now. It’s started to rain and I’m getting all wet. A lady bumps into me. I say sorry but she’s already gone. She didn’t even fucking see me. Turns out with my record they don’t want to touch me. My fucking record, wake up love, this is the naughties, it’s all mp3’s now. You don’t like MotorHead, I’ll put on a bit of Queen. Tits.
I was just a little boy. He came up to me. Fucking offered me a sweet. Yeah, stupid. He was even an old guy in a mac for fuck’s sake, but I was just a kid. That happened to me. I did bad, but not like that. I still wake up in cold sweats and they won’t even give me a chance.
Bastards.
Yeah, I held up a few bookies and done over Somerfield, but my mum just committed fucking suicide. Drugs, she loved them more than she ever loved me. When dad left escaping into chemical oblivion mattered more than me. It hurt me too.
What choice did I have? No money, no job, family gone or dead. It was the easy way. Fast money. Just this numb buzz in my head. I knew it was wrong. Like you know getting cut hurts, but you don’t feel it because of the pain killers.
I was just like mum. Looking for the easy way out.
Now, I’ve worked real hard. Got a degree. Gone straight. I even shave me face dead regular. But they don’t want me. I’m so stupid. I was actually surprised I couldn’t get a job. But why would that want me? No one has ever wanted me.
Bloke on the desk in the centre just told me there were vacancies at McDonald’s. Mc-FUCKING-Donald’s? I fucking have a fucking degree in fucking maths! Working out how much a big mac and fries costs isn’t exactly what I studied four years for.
People still pushing by. I’m invisible.
What they all don’t know though, is I have a gun. Yeah, no shit. They never found it after they nicked me. I stashed it in a tree down Vassel’s Park after my last job. It had a hole in the trunk so I just dropped it in there. It was still there, after all these years, wrapped in the oily rags in a little plastic box.
It’s in the inside pocket of my coat. I’m getting soaked though to the skin. It’s pissing it down. I pull it out.
Don’t really know why - it was getting wet anyway.
They fucking see me now! They all fucking see me! Do they see me, or the gun? Way I see, the gun is nothing without the man. They see me. They’re paying me attention. Just like the old days. But they’re all running away. Screaming.
“Look at me,” I’m screaming back at them. “Fucking look at me.”
I let a shot off into the air. Not intentional, like. I barely touched the fucking trigger. I didn’t even realise it was loaded, I didn’t stop to check. How many bullets were left in when I hid it – I don’t fucking know.
A woman jumps on top of a little boy, pushing him to the ground, she lays on top of him. They must be thirty yards in front of me, on the filthy pavement, getting soaked. Why would she do that? I’m not going to hurt a little boy. They think I’m some sort of a psycho.
Some filth grabs the kid from under her and runs off. The woman follows behind. She trips over her heals. I let out a long roar of laughter as she scrambles up to her feet.
I spin round to the job shop behind, arms out stretched. People are peering at me from behind the pillars and the tops of furniture. “I just wanted a fucking job,” I yell through the glass.
I turn back around and there’s this bloke. Bigger than me: taller and fatter. Takes me a few seconds to work out who he is.
Filth.
“Give me the gun, son,” is all he says. He’s holding out his palm and looking all tense. After five inside you know fear, and this guy is scared.
“Why?” I ask. “I ain’t done nothing wrong.”
“Give me the gun,” he’s repeating his words like I’m some sort of fucking retard. I have a fucking degree, you clit! “Just give me the gun, son, and we’ll talk about it.”
Talk? Fucking talk? He’s just one of them. One of fucking them. They took my fucking life away.
“Talk?” and I’m screaming at him. Really loudly, I know because my ears are ringing, but it don’t sound loud. “My name’s Mr. M. Goodwin, and I want a fucking job, not a fucking chat.”
“And I’m PC H. Jefferies. Now give me the gun, son.”
I’m just standing there. Thoughts whirling so fast round my head I don’t know what they are. I don’t know how long I’ve been here. Old Bill are everywhere. They’ve got guns. Bigger ones than mine. There’s some fucker with a loud hailer, but this prick is still standing in front of me. It’s like a fog lifting around my brain. I’m back in the real world. The rain fresh and cold on my skin. And there’s a gun in my hand. What the fuck. A fucking gun. I only came out for a job.
There’s this thing rising inside me. Tears start spewing out my eyes like I’m a fucking girl, and all I can think about is I hope this bloke can’t see me crying because it’s rainy and we’re wet anyway.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, so why the fuck do I have a gun? Lock me up. Throw away the fucking key. I’m fucked. I hold the gun out. I’m dropping it in his hands.
Next thing and he’s falling away from me. His eyes wide and full of terror. It went off. His body crumples at my feet. I think I just shit my pants.
Fire flashes through the grey of the rain and I’m falling down now. I land on the pavement. This metallic taste in my mouth. Jefferies’ dead eyes staring at me.
My vision fades to black.
I was feeling a bit restless last night so wrote that. It was pretty free flowing and I got it done in about an hour. There's a few of us submitting this Thursday, so we're sending of sub 2000 word pieces for critisism among the other members. I was thinking of sending this out (since the other story, which I'm yet to rewrite is a bit too long - and I haven't had time for a crack at the second version yet!) with the possibility of turning it into a longer story. I'd be interested to know what anyone else thinks!
I seem to be developing the habit of making political posts of late.
Sorry about that. My blog isn't meant to be anything to do with that sort of thing. Maybe I should start a seperate one for when I feel like a bit of a groan.
I'm playing football today for the first time in ages! I'm a bit nervous becasue the guys I'm playing against are alright players.
Wow! I just totally tripped out. I sneezed and then it looked like there were all these wriggling streaks crawling along the walls, but it lasted for about ten seconds, which is worrying. Even more worrying, I actually thought it was something real until they faded away. Maybe they were!!
Ah safe, I just got a call from PC. He wants me to go round his before football. He's just buying a new pair of boots - and there I'll be in my trainers. If anyone stands on my feet I'll be hopping around. Last time I played, which was about 9 months ago I got winded, hit and stamped on within about a minute. Haha, I wasn't in such good shape after that. I took my trainers off and I was bleeding a bit, but not eouugh to merit my stop playing. I really need to get a pair of boots for times like these, but can't really afford them right now. Well, I could, but I really really need to watch what I spend atm.
Nooo! I keep changing my mind about which song I want to post!!
